


Now on! 'Albus and Gellert - Daily Lives, Lies and Love'

by Vandrerska



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Reality TV, Technically: dub-con about being in reality tv, That is: if you're prepared to squint so hard you might develop cataract, What one has to suffer in order to achieve world domination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27561571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vandrerska/pseuds/Vandrerska
Summary: What better way to achieve world domination than… reality tv?
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore/Gellert Grindelwald
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	Now on! 'Albus and Gellert - Daily Lives, Lies and Love'

**Author's Note:**

> Let's be honest: I'm writing this solely to try and keep my mind together during the second lockdown. It should be noted that the mind in question already wasn't in a very great state even _before_ the start of the second lockdown.
> 
> Therefore, two warnings:  
> 1\. Conceptually, this has the potential of becoming a multi-chapter fic, but I cannot guarantee at all that I will find the energy to actually write multiple chapters. What I can (more or less) guarantee is that every chapter will stand on its own. So, I'm not building an intricate plotline only to abandon it halfway.  
> 2\. I'm quite tired (understatement of the year) and if I have to wait until I can write and revise something according to my usual standards, then you won't be reading anything from me for at least several months. It's not that I don't want to make an effort - it's just really the best I can do at the moment.
> 
> If none of this has succeeded in scaring you away - go ahead and enjoy, I suppose?
> 
> (I don't own any characters. Unbetaed work.)

_Voice-over: Good evening, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the first episode of ’Albus and Gellert – Daily Life, Lies and Love’._

”Albus _,_ where on earth? I – what? Is that _make-up_ on my face?”

”No, no, don’t touch it. It took the visagiste ages to get the colouring spells right.”

”The visagiste? _You_ said – last thing I remember was that we were going out for a surprise, and that you’d give me a light sleeping potion so that I couldn’t figure out where we went and then…”

”Gell, I’ll explain it all in a minute. Could you just check that the voice recording charm isn’t active yet?”

”The voice recording charm?!”

”Yes. It shouldn’t activate itself without our explicit consent - I insisted on that - but I just wanted to check. I’m going to turn on mine for a sec. Hold on. ’Leta, can you hear me?’”

_Voice-over: As clear as a Howler, Professor._

”But you couldn’t just a few seconds ago, could you?”

_Voice-over: I didn't hear a sound. You and Mr Grindelwald could’ve been saying anything - none of it came through. Besides, we’re not recording yet. I was just practicing my lines. What did you think of them?_

”It sounds great, but does it have to include ’Lies’?”

_Voice-over: O come on, Professor. Who’s ever going to believe it’s a faithful representation of your daily lives if it doesn’t have some deceit in it? I know it’s all staged normality, but no lies whatsoever? Totally unbelievable._

”But I _never_ lie to Gellert.”

Gellert’s voice crackled into existence.

”Miss Lestrange, I’m going to have a word with you later, and you’d better prepare yourself for _a very long_ and _a very loud_ word, but now I need to speak to this useless construction called ’Albus Perversival Nitwit Liar Dumbledore’, _in private_. So, please, turn off all recording spells - visual, auditory, olfactory, whatever – _at once,_ if you know what’s good for you.”

_Voice-over: Okey-dokey, Mr Grindelwald. See you later._

Gellert turned to Albus, who briefly thought it was a shame that the recording spells weren’t running anymore because this was looking like the beginning of a completely believable domestic row.

”You’d better have a _summa cum laude_ explanation prepared for this, Albus, or I might seriously reconsider that vow never to use that irreversible reeking toe-nail fungus spell again. We’re in the middle of… what? _Re_ _ality tv_?”

”Yes. At least, some sort of it. I have been thinking. You know what the real reason is why our ideas have never quite caught on?”

”Because people are too stupid to understand or too cowardly to admit that, in order for things to really change, sacrifices have to be made and that the transition to a new world order isn’t one big idyllic scene of mooncalves happily frolicking around?”

”No. Well, yes, that is certainly _a_ reason. But the main reason is that you and I, we are not relatable enough. Look at us: two extraordinarily brilliant wizards who had outshone all of their respective teachers by the age of 13 and who had a masterplan for world domination by the age of 17, a plan that relied heavily on the retrieval of three artefacts of which even the existence was highly disputed? That’s a long stretch from a 17-year-old wizard whose biggest dream is to become a professional Quidditch player.  
Even after that, when we grew older and the notion of precociousness started to become less and less relevant, people still regarded us as ’two supercilious geniuses’ rather than ’two sympathetic blokes standing up for our rights’.”

”But we _are_ two supercilious geniuses. I loathe wasting my time among simpletons and so do you.”

”I know, dear. But it’s important that the people don’t know that. Therefore, we are giving them little snippets or our daily life to show them that, in the end, we are not really all that different from them.”

”Al, you’re a man who gets off, and by that I mean _literally_ gets off, on advanced animagus transformation theory. How very ’non-different’ from the average witch or wizard do you think that is?”

”I _know_ , Gell. It’s all about _image_. The general public will only believe that we are really concerned about their problems and happiness, when our problems and our happiness look very much like theirs.”

”So you want what? To start acting like a simpleton yourself? I’ll have you know: you’re not getting _any_ for as long as you insist on keeping that act up. I categorically refuse to have sex with imbeciles, even counterfeit imbeciles.”

”No, no, no, you don’t understand. We can still be ourselves. Just – a little bit less so. And we’ll be highlighting different aspects of our lives. Less focus on complicated experiments and world domination, more on… romance and the daily struggles.”

”What daily struggles?”

”Like you forgetting to levitate the plates back into the cupboards after you’ve performed a cleaning spell. Honestly, Gell, the number of times I’ve come down to find those plates still littered around the kitchen…”

”Hear who’s talking! _I_ at least do a bit of washing-up now and then. _I_ don’t have to sacrifice a week of precious research time on inventing an ultrastrong scrubbing spell because I only clean my coffee mugs once every two years!”

”You see, that kind of struggles. Listen, I’ve bounced off this idea with a couple of our trusted friends and acolytes. They were all very enthusiastic.”

” _Who_ knows about this?”

”Not that many people. Just the ones we really trust. Theseus. Leta, who’s agreed to do the voice-over, as you’ve already heard. Ah, and Vinda of course. She thought it was brilliant.”

”I bet she did… Guess she’s already murdered the owner of a private cinema in Paris to make sure she can watch all the excitement on as big a screen as possible. Not to mention the stereo effects…”

”No need to be so acerbic. None of this will be streamed live. Naturally. It’s all going to be heavily edited.”

”You can heavily edit me out.”

”Gellert. This is going to be our big breakthrough. We’re going to finally win the sympathy of the people, and thereby their loyalty, and that is what matters. Or is my Gell not so keen on world domination anymore?”

”Of course he is.”

”Well, then it’s all…”

”Don’t say it. I _don’t_ want to hear it.”

”For the Greater Good."


End file.
